How does your newborn sleep? Changing your perceptions to change your life.

"How does she sleep?"

As a new parent the one question you are likely to encounter from almost everyone is "how does she sleep?". Other parents often genuinely want to know so they can compare to their own babies sleep to help work out whether their baby is performing better or worse than yours. It's a lose-win situation, and one which is based on something you often have very little control over. One of you will walk away feeling good that at least your baby sleeps better than their baby, while the other walks away feeling worried that their baby isn't meeting expectations. Alternatively, friends and family may ask "how does he sleep?" to get a sense of how you're doing as a parent, because, let's face it, coping with parenthood when you're severely sleep deprived is tough. The problem with this question is that the focus is on how little sleep you're getting, and adjusting to broken sleep is one of the most difficult transitions to parenthood. But it's normal.

What are normal sleeping patterns for a baby?

To set "sleeping through the night" as a benchmark for new parents can make everything so much harder, and make the new parent feel the lack of sleep so much more. Even more so, because it is not common for babies or children to sleep through the night and not require parental assistance to resettle. An Australian study [1]  performed in 1994 concluded that there is a wide range of sleep patterns that are normal for babies and frequent night wakings that disturb parents is common for 4 month to 12 month old infants. In fact a huge 12.7% disturbed their parents more than 3 times a night. Even babies who were "sleeping through" (i.e. sleeping a 5 hour stretch) by 4 months old (71.4%) regressed back to frequent night wakings between 4 and 12 months of age. In fact, it is not until 24 months of age that toddlers are more commonly sleeping without disturbing their parents. You can read more about this study and a number of other similar studies about normal night wakings on the KellyMom website.

There are also wide variations in your babies natural temperament. A more sensitive baby may not sleep by themselves easily, while a less sensitive baby may sleep no matter where he is. Some parents (and health professionals) will tell you that you shouldn't breastfeed your baby to sleep, that you shouldn't co-sleep, and that you should put your baby down in the cot "drowsy but not asleep". This may work wonderfully for some babies, but will be impossible with others.

Benefits of night time nursing 

It is also worth noting that if you do have a baby who is waking through the night for feeding, you are more likely to have a better breast milk supply, and are more likely to breastfeed for longer. All of that night time feeding helps to maintain your supply because you have more of the prolactin hormone in your system at night, which helps govern your supply. Some studies have also linked breastfeeding and less sleep with higher IQ's later on - all of that awake time gives your child more time to learn!

Another interesting fact is that co-sleeping is associated with longer duration breastfeeding. I would guess that this is because breastfeeding is easily accessible during the night and both mother and baby are synchonised in their wake and sleep cycles. This tends to mean brief arousals through the night for nursing, which helps to maintain your supply (breastfeeding at night when your prolactin levels are high helps to increase your supply), and also helps to make up for the missed nursing during the day when your toddler may be too busy to nurse.

Co-sleeping, breastfeeding mothers also get more sleep because the hormones released during breastfeeding result in better quality sleep, and help you drift back off to sleep quickly.

Tips for reframing your perception of sleep and improving your life

If this is resonating with you and you are struggling with sleep, here are my tips:

1. Stop measuring sleep. Remove clocks from your bedroom, and keep everything dark and quiet through the night - if you are not fully waking it is easier to get back to sleep, and if you are not able to count how many hours of sleep you missed out on last night you will feel more refreshed (strange but true!).

2. If co-sleeping feels right for you and your family, make sure you understand and implement the co-sleeping safety guidelines, and let go of the guilt. When you and your family are ready you can always change sleeping arrangements. There is no benefit to establishing independent sleeping early. Your child may want to sleep by themselves when they are a little older. You may decide not to discuss your sleeping arrangements with friends and family who are not supportive.

3. Be comforted in the knowledge that breastfeeding through the night is likely to help you breastfeed for longer, particularly if you have returned to work. Breastfeeding to the recommended minimum 2 years is very beneficial to you and your baby, sleeping through the night early has no equivalent benefits (even though it seems to be the goal of many parents and health professionals).

4. Check in with yourself regularly and make sure you are meeting your own needs. Are you getting enough sleep? Are you feeling positive about your situation? If not, you may wish to engage a sleep professional who can work with your particular situation. Make sure you ask your sleep professional what type of methods they use. There is no point engaging someone who relys on controlled crying if that is not a method you want to use.

In the end, we all do what we can to make the best of our situation. Remember that no two babies and no two families are the same, and they are all beautiful in their own ways. The best thing for you to do is parent in the way that feels authentic and right for you!

What are your sleep expectations and how have you coped?

Reference:

1. Armstrong KL, Quinn RA & Dadds MR, "The sleep patterns of normal children." Medical Journal of Australia 1994 Aug 1;161(3):202-6 

Author Bio:  A mum of two rambunctious boys and a labradoodle, Corryn is on a journey of self discovery as parenting throws her more curve balls that she has ever expected. Her passions include coffee, wine and sleep (when it comes her way) as well as chatting to other parents and running Milk and Love!