Motherhood: We’re all just making it up as we go along

Research is important. Listening to your instinct is more important

When I was pregnant with my first child I spent literally hours and hours researching everything, from birth preferences through to how your baby should sleep, I wanted to know what was ahead. It’s the way I try to control for unknowns in my life.

I have a distinct memory of having my baby placed on my chest immediately after a long and exhausting birth and thinking “Now what?". Even before that, during labour, I spent a good 12 hours trying to work out what I was meant to do during contractions. Should I be making a lot of noise or cursing the way I’d seen in movies, or should I be inward focused the way I’d read in some of the birth preparation I’d done? (and by the way, how long was this going to keep on going?!).

I was quite petrified when it was time to leave the hospital with this little tiny person. I had absolutely no idea how to look after him. I felt totally unprepared. Did I need to keep a record of everything the way they had in the hospital? What happens when your baby doesn’t stop crying? I had read about babies in Africa that never cry because they are being held all the time. My baby obviously had no African heritage in his DNA because despite being held all the time he still cried, heartbreakingly often. I had NO IDEA WHAT TO DO. So, I made it up. I tried different things, I watched how my baby responded, and adjusted accordingly. I breastfed on demand, I changed our sleeping arrangements, over and over again, until we were all able to get as much sleep as possible.

I tried out all of the different cloth nappies we had, and bought more of the ones that worked for us. I visited the child health nurse and GP a lot, and probably used Panadol and antibiotics more than I needed to (because, unsettled baby) and listened to my instincts and the research I’d done about some of the suggestions I was given. Thank goodness for the breastfeeding research I’d done! Some of the advice from health professionals included giving a bottle of formula before bed for my 2 week old bub to help him sleep better, which is completely opposite to all of the research about maintaining a good supply of breast milk (and still shocks me that a GP would suggest something like that, unprompted!).

I thought I was doing everything wrong for at least 6 months. Surely, if I was doing it right, we'd be getting more sleep, less crying, more joy. Motherhood was meant to be all gooey smiles and adoring cuddles wasn't it?! The uncertainty and worry that I wasn't doing things right caused me a lot of stress. At about the 6 month mark I stopped and, for some unknown reason, I decided that motherhood was a lot different to my expectations. I let go of my worries that I was doing things wrong. I decided to just take it one step at a time, one hour at a time on some days! Letting go of my worries actually helped me relax. I stopped worrying about what I was doing wrong. I just went with it, and things started to get easier. 

You will have days when you wonder “how did this happen to me?”

No amount of research or preparation could have told me what to do the day that my baby had a poo explosion, and vomited everywhere, and my well-meaning hubby had put the baby bath away where I couldn't find it, in the top of the linen cupboard (and wouldn’t answer the phone). Walking around the house, baby and I both covered in poo and vomit, looking for the baby bath, and trying to call hubby wasn’t what I pictured motherhood to look like. I had a flashback to being neatly groomed (blow dried hair and all!), at my organised desk in my corporate world, only a few months earlier, and wondered “how did this happen to me?”.

The first 12 months of being at home with my highly sensitive, unsettled baby was the hardest 12 months of my life. It took me a long time to surrender to motherhood, to accept that "Mum" meant that I was the security my baby wanted, every day, all day, even on the weekends when my husband and I were both home. 

But it’s ok, because you’re not alone

My saving grace was knowing other mothers who could not only empathise, but who would find it so hilariously funny that we would be able to laugh about everything once I had regained my sanity Women who had also become more intimately acquainted with bodily fluids than they had ever imagined. Women who could sympathise over how dramatically different life was to anything any of us had imagined.

I was also blessed with supportive family members who travelled to stay with us to help cook, clean and give my husband and I some time to ourselves without worrying about our baby regularly. Having a ‘ village’ to support and empathise with was, and still is, my lifeline. Thank goodness for friends and family.

My point is, none of us know what we’re doing the first time. Even the second time, because every baby is different, just as every mother is different.

We’re all just making it up as we go along.

About the Author

After one too many tops that had 20 cent piece sized holes for breastfeeding in, Corryn decided to do something about the complete lack of  well designed breastfeeding tops and stylish breastfeeding dresses available, and started Milk and Love in 2012. You can read more about Corryn here.