Breastfeeding a newborn with a toddler in tow: Nightmare or calm as a cucumber?

Now, those who are just embarking on their first baby may be wondering why I am posting about this subject, while those who have just had their second baby and have a toddler at home may already be nodding in agreement.

Breastfeeding for the first time brings with it its own challenges, but when baby number two arrives a completely new set of challenges can come your way. I think one of the hardest must be that as it is your second baby, everyone, from us midwives to your best mate, thinks you are an ‘old hand’ and presume you know what you’re doing. Hence, require less attention/support.

If breastfeeding went well first time round, or eventually went well first time around, this leaves you knowing the basics and not fretting over the minute of details with a newborn. You now know the signs for hunger, that baby’s cord will likely look really gross and maybe a bit whiffy just before it falls off and that breastmilk poos are super watery and bright yellow. This no longer freaks you (and every other first time mother, might I add) out. What is new are the increasing demands of a toddler, whilst trying to juggle the constant need of a newborn. Toddler-hood brings with it exploring, clinginess, and pushing boundaries, to name a few. How can you complete a breastfeed for your newborn when your 1st born wants you to play, read and cuddle with him/her. The recent tantrums surrounding their jealously of their new little sibling can make most mothers feel very vulnerable again and quite upset. Children can be very (unknowingly) clever at making us feel guilty! Many a toddler will ignore their mother for a few days whilst they get use to the new “invader” of their space – mums arms. This does change, of course. Most young children do not have the memory capacity to bear these grudges for long, soon it feels to them as if their sibling has always been around, and peace will return eventually.

So what suggestions would I recommend?

• Do not put added blame on yourself. It is normal for your 1st born to feel a little put out with the arrival of their sibling, even if they were excited and appeared to understand that a baby was coming. In reality, this is a huge thing for toddler to really comprehend prior to the actual baby’s arrival. Often they think that the baby will “go home” again at the end of the day. It can come as quite a shock when this does not happen and they realise they will have to share mummy now.
• Do buy your 1st child a baby doll/teddy, and gift this from their new sibling on the first day they meet with them.
• Place a nappy on the doll and clothing. Your 1st born will likely grow very attached to the doll and they will copy what you do with bub. This is a good way to engage with them and teach them to have an understanding of what you are doing for little bub. If the midwife weighs your new bub, ask to weigh dolly too! I have done this several times as a midwife myself, to much squeals of delight from the little person peering into the scales at their dolly!
• Do not be worried if your son, copies and plays with a doll. It is normal to copy the person we spend the most time with, this is how we learn. Both little girls and boys will start to “feed” their baby by placing them at their “breast”. This is a life-long learning tool and enables our children to carry with them how normal breastfeeding is, into their own adulthood. We have such issues in our current society with seeing breastfeeding in public as “normal”. Children who are exposed to breastfeeding through their siblings and who copy their mother are more likely to breastfeed themselves when they have their own children.

Coping with the toddler wanting playtime whilst you need to feed bub:

• Buy a pack of those 6 little storage containers from the supermarket which have different coloured lids. They are big enough to store an egg, or just the right size for little hands to pick up!
• Every morning fill the each container with healthy snacks, which are suitable for your child’s age and development, i.e. sliced cucumber, cheese, egg, apple, etc. Involve your toddler when you do this. Tell them “we are making your snacks so we can all have one together when the baby feeds”. Or something of the sort!
• Store the containers in a box/basket/bottom of the fridge if needed – somewhere your toddler/child can reach.
• In their box put in the latest books, you have this week from the library/their favourite game/colouring book and crayons.
• Every time bub needs to breastfeed ask your toddler to “go and pick a snack and a book/game out of your big boy/girl box and come and sit next to mummy while we all share a snack”.
• Try feeding your bub in footy (under arm) style. This enables your toddler to snuggle in close to you and not feel pushed out. It also leaves you with an arm free to cuddle both of your bubs.
• By doing this routine, your toddler starts to recognise feeding baby with attention spent on them, rather than the other way around. The tantrums and calls for attention from your toddler suddenly become a quiet and peaceful sit on the sofa for everyone.

Other things which help:

• If you haven’t already then start now – join a mothers group or toddler group. This is an excellent support for you and great fun for your toddler.
• Take daily walks, despite the weather. That’s what warm clothes and coats are for, unless its gale-force!!! Both mums and babies slept 50% better with a daily walk of at least 30mins. Toddlers benefit too.
• Meet a girlfriend at a local park and she can cuddle your newborn while you can spend some well-earned time pushing the swing and having a chat!
• Join your local library. Libraries often provide free story time for toddlers and pre school children. New books every few days keep children entertained. Libraries now provide a whole host of spoken word stories, DVD’s and music all aimed at children. Some even have toy libraries too.
• Involve your toddler/child in the housework/cleaning/cooking/baking. Use it as quality time together to talk and sing as well as a good learning tool! A little bit of Mary Poppins or Sound of Music should give you incentive…if only it was that easy! A bit of good music and a dance around every so often will help through the chores.
• Make/buy a chalkboard or use a lining wallpaper for frequent drawing. Toddlers love this.
• If you are offered help take it!!!! It is a rare thing to get any extra rest when you have a second or third baby. If you have the opportunity don’t waste it cleaning or doing something really unimportant.
• If you would like to try to time your newborn and toddler’s afternoon naps together seek some support from your Maternal and Child Health Nurse for some tips which will work for your family.

I hope you find some of these suggestions helpful! If you have more than one child, what suggestions would you add?